Development
While I am busy making the huge nest and writing the books, an inner development starts. I feel the tears that I did not cry, stinging behind my eyes. I feel my grief, my suppressed anger and my shame again very intense.

It is painful to realize how much impact the bullying has had and still has at my life. At the same time the work at the nest with the soft wool and feathers comforts me. Also I feel the help and support from the people around me. My husband and loyal partner for life Jan helps me with collecting feathers. He also takes over the washing and assorting of the feathers (all feathers should be washed in order to prevent them to be eaten by moths). Friends and acquaintances support and encourage me in my process. And sometimes there is unexpected help: A child spontaneously helps me collecting feathers, a park keeper saves the feathers of the birdhouse for me and one day another park keeper surprises me with 12 big peacock feathers. It moves me.

 

Finally I am able to cry the tears that have been stucked for years. And in writing I reach the point that I finish the primary school. When the teasing stops, the effect of the scolding can still be felt in every cell of my body. The feeling of rejection is dominating the other feelings and has become the main motive in what I think I have to do and not to do.

The next step in my inner process is now to observe quite honestly and open which unhealthy patterns of thinking and acting have replaced my ego. I do this by looking at animal qualities that I can discover in myself.

 

The discovery of unhealthy patterns of thinking and living is of course confronting, but also it is a first step towards freedom. The beginning of change is the recognition of the problem. I can only change my negative patterns if I am willing to look at them quite honestly.

page of the second series of textile books made for art project about bullying, vulnerability and strength

I write in my diary: “My past is like a dragon who prisons me in strain and fear. At the most inconvenient moments he emerges. He blocks me to live free in the present moment. I fight with him, but I still have too little trust in my own power, with which I can conquer him.”